Stinky Milk Time.

Kefir, drink of the immune. As previously stated, we started fermenting Kefir. Since I handle all kitchen matters it's been my responsibility to keep on top of our stinky milk situation. I figured I'd give some insight into the mistakes, tips, and overall process for those looking to cultivate their own stink.

What is kefir? In simple terms, fermented milk or water. The word "Kefir" has been used in Russia from at least 1884. Its roots are unknown, but we know it's been popular all across Europe for a very long time.

What does it taste and feel like? Sour, carbonated, greek yougurtish, creamy, a little cheesy, hints of liquor, and a similar texture to drinkable yogurt. It is not naturally sweet.

Why would I waste my time? Because in a world full of trash food, this is a gift from milk gods. Packed full of probiotics, protein, and other nutrients it's an actual food haven when made fresh. Store-bought kefir is better than nothing but only by an inch. Not to mention we spend about 25 cents per serving.

If done correctly, there should be very little lactose left in Kefir, so even the weak bellies of lactose dodgers should be able to drink this.

But make no mistake, this drink still has up to 61 strains of bacteria and yeasts. It's roughly estimated there's about 150 billion CFU of probiotics per tablespoon and I drink 6-8oz a day. That's way more than standard yogurts, so it will make you prolapse if you have trash stomach flora. This is a good thing, you want all that bad shit (actual shit) out of you.

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How to make kefir: It's dumb easy

1.) Get your hands on some grains

2.) Add some milk

3.) Wait about a day

Once established, it's really that easy.

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What you'll need:

1. 4 quart jars (preferably amber)

2. Plastic strainer

3. Plastic spatula

4. Cheese cloth (or a breathable shirt/towel)

5. Milk

How to start:

You’ll need to wake the grains back up. You can do this by washing them with fresh milk until the old gunk has been cleaned off. Make sure you never use chlorinated water to wash as it will kill the good bacteria.

Your first 1-4 batches might smell yeasty, sour, or off. This is because the good bacteria need to balance with the yeast again. I’d throw the first one out, and taste from there.

Instructions For Daily Kefir:

Kefir is super simple. You put the grains in the bottom of the mason jar, pour milk on top, watch it for 18-48 hours and then when it’s the consistency you like it’s done.

You then use a plastic strainer and drain the milk from the grains. One separated, put the kefir into a clean jar, seal it, put it into the fridge and you can start a new batch in the old dirty jar. I recommend 4 jars so you can have two in the fridge, one fermenting, and a readily available clear jar.

You can tell when it’s finished by the thickness of the milk. It should be as thick as buttermilk and drinkable yogurt. If it’s separated into whey on the bottom and curds on top it has over fermented. Ideally, you’ll stop your ferment soon before this phase. Sometimes you can salvage that kefir by stirring the grains back into the curds and tasting. You can absolutely drink the curds or use them for cheese etc. If it’s too yeasty, vinegary, or sour I’d toss the batch and restart the grains.

Rule of thumb: one tablespoon (or three teaspoons) of grains for a quart of milk.

Important Shit:

Never use chlorinated water or metal. Both fuck up your grains and can kill them off. Try to completely dry or let jars sit out for 24 hours before putting a new batch in. I rinse my kefir ferment jar every time a batch goes bad or about every 4 successful ferments. Sometimes sooner if the curds were too big or it looks really dirty.

It will last in the fridge for 2-7 days. Just because it’s “sourer” doesn’t mean it spoiled as it continues to ferment in the fridge. I prefer drinking it before day 3 but as long as it hasn’t separated completely into whey and curd or has mold you should be ok.

**You might poop your pants. This is normal, it’s killing bad bacteria in your gut. I wouldn’t stop drinking it unless you’re at day 7 and dying.**

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Sweeteners and Fruit:

I tried to add sweeteners into my kefir and then store and it never tasted right after the first day. I recommend only using honey and adding it right before you drink. You can also add fruit/other flavors like vanilla and blend it right before you drink. This is fucking delicious. We also add it to protein shakes and smoothies.

Other:

• You can use kefir to make cheese, yogurt, pancakes, ice cream, and pretty much anything with milk in the recipe.

• Kefir grains are fucking hard to kill. If you’re not sure if they're ok, do another 4 batches and adjust milk levels, etc. before throwing them out.

• If you’re going on vacation you can store your kefir for up to two weeks in the fridge with a sealed lid. You’ll obviously have to refresh them when you get back.

• Your grains will produce other grains. You’ll probably have about double the amount you started within 2-3 weeks.

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That's it. Go buy some grains and get to stinking.